My Approach

My approach uses the integration of what we know about the human brain from neuropsychology and what we know about the human spirit from philosophy, psychology, and ancient spiritual wisdom literatures of many cultures throughout history. This intersection is strikingly coherent. Our understanding from these two perspectives is strikingly aligned, and this way of understanding ourselves – our feelings, perceptions, behavior, and experiences – provides a powerful tool for healing and happiness.

The short version is that the brain’s job is to ensure our survival by integrating the information from our outer world or environment – threats and opportunities, with the information from our inner world – our thoughts and sensations. The sensations arise from unconscious signals from our body systems, as with hunger or fear, and the thoughts often arise from the sensations.

The brain does its job of protecting us by prioritizing emotion. What that means is that we pay attention to, and respond to, the thing or event that has the biggest charge on it – positive or negative. Bottom line, it is pretty simple – we either want it or we’re afraid of it. If we want it, when we perceive it or imagine it, it has a positive charge on it, and this is what drives both our attention (input) and our response (output).

Here’s my example: you come in to the kitchen and you’re starving – you haven’t eaten all day. You remember your favorite sandwich is in the fridge, and you set it up on a plate and sit down to eat. The sandwich has a big positive charge on it – you can’t wait to chow down – and nothing else is on your mind. You don’t even look to see who just texted. Just then, you hear a loud noise behind you, and look to see that a bear has come in to the kitchen. Suddenly, there is no sandwich. Your attention is on the other door leading out of the kitchen (hopefully there is on), and your only response is to jump out of your chair and get there as quickly as you can. Your brain has redirected your attention from the sandwich to the bear event, because the bear event has a bigger (negative) emotional charge on (fear) than the sandwich.

So the Emotional system is the boss. It directs the Executive (control) system so that we pay attention to and respond to what is most important for our survival. Of course some things become develop a very strong positive charge even when they are not important to, or may even be detrimental to, our survival, such as with addiction or toxic relationships. You can imagine that this is not a good situation.

The other problem is that often when we experience a negative emotion, we respond by thinking about it. We have the belief that this is useful or protective, but it is actually a big mistake. The reason is this – when you are caught in a wave of emotion, we cannot think clearly. This is because the brain prioritizes emotion, as we said before. Thinking – the responsibility of the Cognitive system, does not work well when our brain is dealing with protecting us – addressing a threat or a need. When we are not ok emotionally – if we are upset, worried, angry, stressed – we are not “looking through a clear lens.”

What I mean is this – when we are in an emotional state and we try to think, or have a conversation, or blast an email, we can only find thoughts or ideas that are consistent with that emotion. When we are angry and we think about what made us angry, we can only come up with angry thoughts. We can only do a “selective search” of the information in our memory. These angry thoughts create more anger, which triggers more angry thoughts or conversations (even imaginary conversations), which create more anger, and so on. We are caught in a loop, a very “sticky” loop, compulsively hyper-focusing on the pain. Not fun. Not helpful. Not necessary. Similarly when we are feeling very down or discouraged, or very worried about something.

We can learn not to do this, and, even better, we can learn to respond to the wave of emotion with tools to address it, to calm it, to help it pass more quickly and with less damage. If we can turn our attention away from our thoughts of the past or the future, to our experience of the present moment, we can resist thinking or speaking or otherwise responding until we can think clearly. When we are in a calm, neutral mood state we are “looking through a clear lens.” We can do a more broad and thorough search of the information, we can see things from a different point of view, we can understand things differently.

The truth is always multifaceted, like a gemstone. We tend to look at it from our particular perspective and see only one facet. But when we shift our focus, look at things from a different angle, be open to the different view of someone else, we can see a different facet. When we can see that, we can understand that this also is the truth.

Often in our complex culture we live in our heads. We have developed a way of life that is so complex, so overloaded with information, choices, and abstract worries, that we have developed a cultural neuropsychological condition – an attention deficit disorder. The brain is no longer able to balance the input from our outer and inner worlds and appropriately attend to and respond to what is most important to our wellbeing. Our inner world of thoughts and worries is so overproductive and emotionally charged that we don’t notice the things, people, and opportunities that present themselves to us. We are not fully engaged with our direct experience. We cannot fully enjoy the beautiful blue sky, the sounds of the summer evening, or the soft warmth of a hug. We lose on both ends, and we do not enjoy our experience, our life.

Living in our head, focused on the thoughts and images our minds create, we are not living in the real world. We are living in the past and in the future, and missing the present moment, missing our direct experience of the present moment, the only thing that is real. Learning to live more often in the present moment, to get out of our head and into our senses, we can reduce our suffering, increase our joy, and cultivate our wellbeing.

The first step is to turn your attention to your breath. (You didn’t notice you were breathing ’til I said that, did you?;) Relax, close your eyes, and turn your attention to your breath. Follow your inbreath – the air coming in through your nose and traveling into your lungs, expanding your ribs. Follow it all the way in and stay with it as it turns around and becomes an outbreath. Then follow this air all the way out, noticing when it again becomes an inbreath. Do this for three cycles, trying to keep your attention on your breath. You don’t have to do anything with your breath, like breath deeply or hold your breath or anything. Just enjoy the simple pleasure of breathing. Perhaps you will feel relaxed. Perhaps you will smile a little. If thoughts arise (they will!) that is fine, just notice them but don’t follow them. Return your attention to your breath.

This is a powerful tool. I call it “three breaths.” You can use it any time to calm and comfort yourself. It will help you to stop thinking and worrying all the time, while you’re doing everything else. We live in our heads, in the grip of the nonstop soundtrack of our mind. It’s like there is a computer program running in the background, sapping our emotional energy. When you follow your breath you unite your mind and your body, you get out of your head and into your body. When you enter the present moment, you feel more solid, less scattered. Whatever thoughts were tormenting you are silenced, at least for a moment. Knowing that this is possible, that you can turn your attention to your breath and feel relief, is already a comfort. With practice, this becomes a part of your life, and it can change your life. Insights come, choices reveal themselves, opportunities appear. I have seen it many times. I hope you try it!